21 Lessons from 20 Years of Marriage

Would you mind if I'm a little vulnerable today? 

Today's Wave Report is a personal one. Heather and I celebrated 20 years of marriage this year, so I thought I’d share some lessons we’ve learned along the way. 

I understand that marriage can be a sensitive topic, so my hope is that if you read this article, you see it in the spirit in which it was written. 

The Wave Report is all about helping leaders to grow, both personally and organizationally. I can’t help but see parallels between personal leadership and marriage, so I’m willing to risk vulnerability today.

If you’re not joining us for this ride, no worries. Next week, I’ll share six areas that hold charities back from growing recurring giving. On with the program…

Today is a day that I look forward to every year.

No, it’s not our wedding anniversary, if you’re guessing from the title of this Wave Report.

No, it’s not because it’s Valentine’s Day (or Galentines or whatever you celebrate), although you’re getting closer.

Today is the day that I get to go away with my bride for our annual weekend retreat. 

Starting about five years ago, we decided to dedicate a weekend in January or February each year to going away, leaving the kids at home or with family, and getting time just the two of us. 

Heather is a teacher, so we start on Friday and go through Sunday. Over the course of the weekend, we love to find local coffee shops, eat yummy food, and connect and reflect. 

We look back at the past year and forward to the year to come. 

We take stock of our lives in five different areas and compare notes on how we are feeling about each: our physical health, spiritual health, marriage, parenting, and, because of our faith tradition, our local church. We consider the year ahead – what are we looking forward to? What do we want to work on, individually or together? What changes do we want to make?

This year, we celebrated 20 years of marriage. 🎉🎉🎉 We have two beautiful daughters, 11 and 14, and we are blessed.

Above: Celebrating our family’s Joie de Vivre this past summer en France.

In honor of this milestone, I thought I’d share some things I’ve learned on this journey so far. Some of these insights are also relevant to leadership and being a good friend or colleague.

21 Life Lessons from 20 Years of Marriage

1. Learn to say, “I’m sorry.” I used to think that saying sorry was only when I felt I was in the wrong. Nope. Saying “I’m sorry” shows empathy, it shows other-focus. Had a bad day at work? “Oh, I’m so sorry, love.” Argued? “I’m sorry” is the beginning of restoration.

2. Fight for each other. There isn’t much more that brings a marriage closer together than when you fight for your spouse. Heather fights for me, and I fight for her. “You and me against the world” is a powerful glue. I learned this from my friend Dan Serdahl.

3. Connect daily. We learned this during one of the most challenging times in our marriage, about 5 years into being parents. We realized we had become essentially roommates and emotionally distant. One step to restoring our marriage was connecting each evening, even for only a few minutes. 

4. Celebrate her strengths. In work and life, it is far too easy to judge others for not having your strengths, versus seeing what they bring to the relationship. If they had your strengths, that would be redundant. See your partner’s strengths, celebrate them, and tell them what you appreciate. 

CHALLENGE: Set a reminder on your phone for tonight to tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Better yet, send them a text out of the blue! 

5. Be grateful. This was a huge week for me with the book launch, and I felt genuinely celebrated by Heather and my girls. I could have just received that and held onto it, but instead, I responded with gratitude, telling each of them how much their cheering me on meant to me. Gratitude begets gratitude. Even in tough times (especially in tough times) – find something to be grateful for. 

6. Use Working Genius. The Six Types of Working Genius is a model that I use with clients to help them understand that we each have strengths in the world of work that are essential to getting things done. But guess what – the home is a place of work, too! Understanding Heather’s and my Working Geniuses has been a gift, allowing us to tap into each other’s strengths and understand each other’s frustrations. 

7. Put each other first. Our daughters know that they come second in our family to our marriage. We don’t intend that with any mean spirit, and we deeply invest in our girls. But because our marriage comes first, they benefit from having healthier parents. In our family, the priority order is clear: God > marriage > kids > everything else. I have to be reminded of this, too, sometimes. 

8. Express your affection, often. Affection only counts if you vocalize it. There have been times when I’ve noticed something about Heather or what she does that I appreciate, but it doesn’t count if I don’t say it! The same goes for “I love you.” Say it early and often. For us, we have little phrases and inside jokes that have emerged over time. For example, I’ll say “Good friends?” and she’ll reply “Best friends!” When we let this positive talk flow freely, I’m convinced it draws us together and helps us get through the harder moments.

9. Give her space (or whatever she needs). Everyone handles conflict differently. For me, I can’t stand not having a resolution – I want everyone to be okay and tend to be a peacemaker. That may sound admirable, but it means I might push too aggressively for resolution, and not allow her to express herself. She tends to want space, to shut down, so I have to be okay with that. We can help each other. She helps me express feelings, and I hopefully help by desiring to seek resolution and restoration.

10. Counseling provides tools. Professional counseling and tools aren’t just for the hard times, although in our marriage sometimes it’s taken a difficult season to realize we need it. A good counselor or book can provide you with tools you can use. We were blessed to do counseling both when we were engaged and at times throughout our marriage.

11. Learn HALT. HALT is an acronym we learned from a counselor as a parenting tip. H.A.L.T. stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. When kids are experiencing any of these, they have difficulty regulating their emotions. The same goes for adults, too! If you are trying to have a serious conversation, make an important decision, or being a little too short with one another, ask yourself – are one or both of us Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?

12. Create experiences. Invest in creating memories together and as a family. This doesn’t need to be spendy, but a rhythm of getting out of your normal day-to-day helps you create lasting memories. Every couple and every family is different. For us, it might be kayaking or stand-up paddleboarding at the local lake in the summer, our weekend retreat that we’re about to head out on, or a family trip. Create experiences.

13. Remember the 10/90 Rule. Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it. I learned this from Coach Curci in high school and have always remembered it. It turns out it’s a Charles Swindoll quote (apparently there’s even a book). It’s shaped how we respond to the good and bad things that have happened to us in life.

14. Two words – “new normal.” I learned this from my friend Rory Starks when we were preparing to have our first daughter. He said to me, “Dave, two words – new normal.” What I didn’t realize at the time was how good general life advice that was. People change, and that’s a good thing. I hope you aren’t the same person you were when you were 25, and I hope that is a good thing. Give your partner the space to grow.

15. Marriage is a gift. I remember hearing a counselor once joke, “People think marriage is about love. Marriage isn’t about love. Marriage is about teaching you how selfish you really are.” 🤣 Ouch! He wasn’t wrong. But marriage also (hopefully) teaches you to be other-oriented, to put others before yourself. Marriage is a gift in so many ways.

16. Parenthood is a gift. Not everyone gets the opportunity to be a parent. But for those who have experienced parenthood, I hope you have experienced the depth of love and growth and pain and joy that comes with caring for and investing in raising another human being. They are their own people, and they will make their own decisions, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to invest in our children.

17. To be known and loved is a beautiful thing. We all crave belonging, and marriage is one of the most vulnerable relationships one can have because your spouse gets to know your flaws better than anyone else. But when you are loved and accepted in light of being known, warts and all, it’s beautiful. Author Tim Keller said it best – “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

18. All miscommunication is a result of differing assumptions… and results in frustration, pressure, and tension. I learned this from my friend Bobb Biehl, a mentor to over 5,000 executives across his career. I’ve seen this to be true in our relationship over the years – when we are frustrated with one another, it’s always the result of different assumptions. I assumed one thing, and she another. When you seek to understand those underlying assumptions, it can help you understand your own frustration and theirs as well.

19. Move from confrontation to clarification. Another Bobb Biehl gem, related to differing assumptions. Next time you feel like you need to confront your spouse (or kids, or colleagues), think about moving from CONFRONT to CLARIFY. Ask questions. Seek to understand. As my friend Rory Starks says, people don’t do stupid things for stupid reasons – they do stupid things for good reasons! It’s all about understanding where people are coming from.

20. People become how you treat them. I’ve experienced this in my work relationships, and the same extends to marriage relationships. If you treat someone with trust, open-handedness, and respect, they will be trustworthy, open-handed, and respectful the vast majority of the time. Likewise, if you treat them with suspicion, hostility, or disrespect, over time, they will become what you fear (whether or not they were that in the first place). What you expect of people shapes how you treat them and who they become, at least in your eyes.

21. Take care of your health. Your health directly impacts your relationships – physical, mental, and spiritual. When I am healthy, I am a better person to be around, for everyone, including my spouse.

One last bonus lesson.

Bonus Lesson: Choose to remember the best. 

One of the best – and most convicting – books I’ve ever read has one of the best titles.

Mistakes Were Made (but Not By Me)

By Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson 

In the book, Social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson unpack the fascinating psychology of how our brains are wired, and why the concept of self-justification is so important to us individually and biologically.

It was the first book in which I learned that our memories are not infallible hard drives that perfectly recount our experiences, traumas, and happy times. The truth is that our memories change with time and are influenced by our present circumstances.

The book helped me understand why I might remember things differently and why that might be inaccurate. I also learned I could choose how to view or interpret my past experiences. I can choose to see my experiences with Heather in a positive light or in a negative light. 

💡 Takeaway: Marriage, like life, is a journey. If we’re willing to learn from our mistakes, it can be a gift and a place of personal growth.

Until next week… Surfs Up! 🌊

  - Dave

About the Author | Dave Raley

Consultant, speaker, and author Dave Raley is the founder of Imago Consulting, a firm that helps nonprofits and businesses who serve nonprofits create profitable growth through sustainable innovation. He’s the author of the book The Rise of Sustainable Giving: How the Subscription Economy is Transforming Recurring Giving, and What Nonprofits Can Do to Benefit. Dave also writes a weekly innovation and leadership column called The Wave Report, and the co-founder of the Purpose & Profit Podcast — a show about the ideas at the intersection of nonprofit causes and for-profit brands. Connect with Dave on LinkedIn.

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